i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
