im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
