I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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