Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
