I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize