I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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