Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
