I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
