he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
