I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
