I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
