it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
