I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
