I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
