I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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