in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize