Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
