u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
