Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
