Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
