Screwed.edu
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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