I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
