He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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