I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
