Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
