its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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