I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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