11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
