I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
