Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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