So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
