every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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