i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
