You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
