I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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