I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
