Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
