it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
