Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
