Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
