All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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