Sry I called you an 8
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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