I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
