Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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