Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize