hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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