In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
there is glitter all over my balls
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
