Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's the barista slut.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
