Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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