you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize
