The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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