i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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