fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
