I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
