She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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