She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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