WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
