God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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