idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
