We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
