Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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