Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
