Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
