I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
