what day is it and did you see me today?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize