So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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